How Do You Answer People When They Ask About Children?
Posted 11 May 2007 - 08:12 PM
Today, I was having lunch with a few coworkers and a new guy asked me if I want children (not with him, but you know what I'm saying . So, I sort of blurted out "Yes, I would love it, but I can't have any, so I guess maybe someday we'll adopt". I'm sure I was quite obviously flustered about it. It's a perfectly innocent question, but it always makes me uncomfortable. I want to be honest about my situation, but I don't want people to have pity for me either.
Of course, sometimes people can be really rude about the children question. My husbands uncle patted me on the stomach a few years ago (before I even knew I had POF) and asked "When are you gunna start having babies?" I was so shocked, all I could say in response was "What is this? Inappropriate question time"?
My question is, how do you respond to this kind of question? I decided a while ago to just tell people, when they ask, that I can't have children. It's not something to be ashamed about. However, today's episode makes me wonder if there's a better approach. I don't want to lie, but I don't want the other person to feel uncomfortable either.
Posted 12 May 2007 - 12:19 PM
It is always terribly difficult to answer these questions. Just this week I was asked if I am pregnant. I have a bit of a tummy because of all the em (I keep doing sit-ups but still have it).
I have practiced my line at home a dozen times so it just sort of rolls off my tongue without me getting too uncomfortable and it is similar to yours. Unfortunately, I can't have any more children (I have one which makes people think I should be pushing out another one) because I have prematrue ovarian failure. It usually shuts the other person up very quickly and we move on to another topic.
Good luck and people are trying to make conversation and forget that some people have difficulty with fertility.
- daughter naturally conceived at 34 w/o difficulty, nasty thoughts when she didn't sleep and breastfed for 15 months which sometimes makes me feel that I started all this
- tried with Ovridrel to conceive but rarely could take it due to high fsh and sad that ovaries not working and baby seems very unlikely
- mother pof at 42 (might have been earlier but was on bcp until 42), grandmother at 36
- just started Premarin 0.3 mg and Provera 2.5 mg
Posted 12 May 2007 - 12:39 PM
This is always a very tough topic for POFers to handle. I have gone through different phases of what I tell people and now that I am getting married, I imagine to get more questions from people about pregnancy. If it's someone I feel I can trust to not react like a moron or to not think I am crazy, I usually actually do tell them just like you said. I try to handle it with as much grace and dignity as possible. It seems like you do the same. There are obviously occasions, however, in which I think it is not the best thing to tell the person outright. I generally just politely try to laugh it off or to answer as ambiguously as possible. I just say things like "hopefully, someday". It usually shuts people up. But you are definitely not alone. It is a really hard thing to deal with and to always have to answer people. But as I said, my approach is generally to read the situation, my relationship and trust of the person asking and then to respond with someone I feel is appropriate for that particular conversation.
I hope this helps some!
dx @ 15, now 26.
A VERY HAPPY NEWLYWED!!! Married to the man of my dreams on November 4, 2007 in Philadelphia, PA
Proud mama to new and adorable furbabies Luna and Gigi http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/mirzai/my_photos
"Quello che il bruco chiama fine del mondo, il resto del mondo chiama farfalla"
That which the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the rest of the world calls a butterfly.
Posted 12 May 2007 - 08:57 PM
Posted 14 May 2007 - 04:38 AM
Posted 14 May 2007 - 02:48 PM
I thought that clever.
Posted 15 May 2007 - 04:17 PM
Marrimem, I wish I had put my husband's uncle in his place for touching my stomach that time. I don't like ANYONE touching my stomach, husband included!! I was so shocked at the time that I was almost speechless. Fortunately, uncle lives in Scotland and I don't see him very often. However, we're going over there for a visit in a couple of weeks, so I'll need to be prepared for comments from husband's family.
BTW, why does it always seem to be men who want to know about your babymaking status?!!
Posted 21 May 2007 - 05:36 PM
I feel really bad that I one time asked when someone was "due" when she was just a bigger in the stomach woman. She really did look pregnant to me. I decided after that that I would never ask a person directly if they were pg. If they are important to me then I would find out another way then to embarrass them & myself. I still feel really badly. I see her at my bank and feel terrible about it. She rarely has her window open when I'm there. I hope it isn't because of this incident. Hopefully she has forgotten it, but I'm not sure.
Posted 24 June 2007 - 09:33 PM
Its hard to really answer that at 23. Thats why I do have a hard time talking about POF with others b/c at my age older people usually feel that you are too young and need to enjoy life and wait til you are 30, don't complicate it with kids. Well thats easy to say when you don't have POF. My GYN says that I better not be thinking about having kids now, i'm too young and I have my whole life ahead of me. Well having POF makes me want to be a mother even more. I feel like its unfair to my husband, itsnot his fault and he deserves a family.
Then my younger friends who are popping out babies left and right want to know why my husband and I don't have any kids. But then they make those comments liek you are lucky you don't have to worry about taking care of kids and being broke all teh time. His friends are always asking him and I guess he usually tells them that we are not ready for one reason or another.
So when others ask, we usually push our education on them- He is studying to be a teacher and I am graduating with my BA next month. Then we go into talks about owning our own home and saving money first because we want to be "ready and stable" when we decide to do it. That usually leaves them thinking about their own situations because most of them have like 2 and 3 kids and really have no plans for the future.
I do find it hard to have POF at my age. Most people my age who don't have kids, don't even think about them and I guess everyone's advice is to wait and live my life, but living my life without children is a constant reminder of POF. Thats why I decided to do DE/IVF. Hopefully some time soon .
Posted 02 July 2007 - 10:23 PM
well i had the unfortunate experience last Friday when i was at a friends wedding and one person in particular kept going on about kids- yes i admit it does hurt and I just find myself smiling innocently and saying "yeah maybe one day" but it has kept rolling around in my head ever since! It has started to bug me now and i cannot seem to get it out of my head- although that "thursday" quote is one i could definately find myself saying!
I tend to find that one of our friends- with a big, insensitive gob on her- tends to just but in and tell people "oh she can't have kids" so i find myself sloping off and never going back to that person again for the rest of the night- yes i am embarassed about it all before people start commenting- i am 23 for god's sake- i should not be going through any of this!!! And i am still pissed at my gp for all those years i kept saying something was wrong and he never did anything!
I am sorry for being bitter and twisted but it may have been nearly 3 years since i was diagnosed but i still can't get over it!
Diagnosed August 2004, but had problems since I was 9! Heartbroken and in need of a friend!
Posted 06 July 2007 - 06:27 AM
With new people I am lucky to be able to say......"well they are in china waiting for me".....this stops them dead in their tracks. But like I said my answer will change depending on who the person is and what sort of setting it is in.
For example I had a girl (she is about 40) that I don't know ask me and it was so blunt and said so many people heard that basically I was a bitch and wanted to make her as uncomfortable as she made me. So I said "I can't have children"........in quite a cutting voice. Then one of my closer girls at yoga said "yes Jac when does that boat leave for china".........LOL! she is brilliant that little chicky! She even used boat in reference to it taking a long time.
But if people are going to be rude then I feel I can be rude back.
medically dx dyslexic
LID 7th March 2007
Batch 37 victoria
me 34 DH 46
Our forever babe is waiting for us in china
start Jan 2005 - completion maybe 2013
Posted 06 July 2007 - 07:39 AM
Posted 01 August 2007 - 04:28 PM
Then they will never ask another one of us again! Horray!
Posted 06 August 2007 - 11:50 PM
I got this question too recently - at a wedding. (Fun place to keep up the fake smile, eh?)
The father of one of the groomsmen pointed to a newborn and told my husband and I "y'all need one of those". "Get started on it" "When are you having kids?"
And so I just said that my husband and I are focusing on our careers since we are both changing career paths.
It's the truth - We are striving to find more meaningful jobs - to make some kind of positive mark on this world w/o bearing children!
Sux that this question can make you so sad. I am ALWAYS uncomfortable and I hesitate when I answer it!
Have a Good Day, Gals!
Dx 01/2005 Right after 1 yr. Wed. Ann.!
Vivelle dot (0.1 MG) 2x/wk, Prometrium (200 MG) 1/d for 10d/mo.
FSH Tests: 88, 95. HRT is working - now FSH 2.9 and E2 is 79.
08/2005 Happy-to-be Guinea Pig (POF Study at NIH) Mild Osteopenia in Rt. Hip
Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - Hypothyroidism
Levoxyl (0.125 MG) daily
Anemia Iron Infusion 07/2008
Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (Basically in Remission) Flairing up recently!
Planning to use DE & Adopt!
Posted 11 August 2007 - 01:58 PM
Dx: POF December 15, 2006
11/06 FSH: 40's
12/16/06 FSH: 40's again
09/09/2007 FSH: 25
Married almost 4 years
On Metformin to control my insulin resistance
Posted 12 August 2007 - 08:44 PM
My DH and I finally got married this past May after being together for six years (he has four kids already). I can't tell you have many times I got that dang question! It's a common one to ask newlyweds I guess.
Hang in there!
* DX w/sudden and unexplainable POF (FSH 130) @ 22 yrs old after 9+ yrs of normal cycles. On cyclical HRT.
* TTC'd our miracle since 3/04.
* Hoping for a our miracle baby during our 1st DE cycle in April 2008.
* April 8th: Transfered two, beautiful grade one five day blasts.
* April 13th - BFP with six blasts on ice!
U/S: 18w5d ~ Twins doing great! A BOY and a GIRL! EDD 12/25/08!
Posted 28 August 2007 - 05:26 AM
My comment back then was "Never, Not interested, Forget It!"
Since University its "Never, I'm Infertile, and pleased to be so"
In JR HIgh it shocked the world of out of the teacher, she just said I would change my mind when I got older ... saw her last year and she asked how my "children" where .. growls .. and my comment to her was, I told you back then that I wasn't interested in breeding, and that is still the case, sides i'm infertile so its not happening." needless to say she didn't know what to say to that comment.
Posted 28 August 2007 - 03:13 PM
Anyway I mostly tell people that we hope to be blessed that way....
It usually changes the subject..
Diagnosed POF at age 31
Currently on Ortho-Cyclen
Have tried FemHRT, Combi Patch, Yasmin, Seasonale, Climara Pro and Estradiol.
Posted 28 August 2007 - 04:01 PM
Strange how the context of the question can change our reaction too. For instance, I was at an adoption get-together recently and one of the women there asked me if I "planned to have any more children". I actually smiled, rather than feeling like I'd been slapped in the face, and responded positively. I didn't need to read any more into that question or feel the need to give or avoid giving long-winded explanations as to my fertility status. It wasn't about my fertility, it was about planning to have children - with a silent acknowledgement of adoption and all it entails.
Posted 11 September 2007 - 03:31 PM